I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
