I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
