guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
