Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
