at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
