I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
