goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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