I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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