he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
