Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
