I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
