a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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