batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
