somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Everclear isn't food dammit
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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