none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I could make wine with my vomit
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.