I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
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So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.