I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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