this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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