so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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