The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
