Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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