I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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