What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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