it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I did not marry a roomba.
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