i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
