you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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