i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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