I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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