What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i wish my penis had a tongue
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
