They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think your dad took our porno
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
