I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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