and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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