I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
