they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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