my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
