I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
