So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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