I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
