You can't motorboat a personality
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
