The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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