Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
