I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
