I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
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