My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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