You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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