i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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