i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
