People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
