wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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