i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
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