Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
