is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
