all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
