Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
