Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
