I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
he just fucked me for my cheese..
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
